GLOBAL WARMING

The cause of global warming was made clear to me during a recent conversation I had with my son and his friend. We talked about how we are all fighting the battle of the bulge. I personally have given up counting how many times I have lost and regained the same 20 pounds. During the conversation my son mentioned he has seen statistics about how the obesity crisis around the world has caused the weight of the world's population to increase significantly. I instantly made the connection between the increased weight of mankind and global warming. 

Because people are fatter it means this additional weight bears down upon the earth, making the entire planet heavier, and causing the globe to rotate just a little slower due to its increased weight. (Think about it. Isn't it true that the heavier you are the slower you go? An obese man cannot run the 100 meter dash as fast as his lean competitor.) This slower rate of rotation means the sun beats down on each part of the earth just a little longer than it used to. By increasing the time the sun shines on each point on the earth it means the temperature goes up ergo global warming.

To sum it up: GLOBAL WARMING IS NOT CAUSED BY CARBON DIOXIDE EMISSIONS THAT LEAD TO THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT. IT IS CAUSED BY FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS.

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Type Ross Martin Madsen into the search box and hit enter.

THE PROBLEM WITH COMPUTERS

The problem with personal computers:
1.  They don't think exactly the way I do. 
2.  They can't anticipate what I really mean. 
3.  They expect me to
     actually input data   
     correctly.
4.  They argue about the best way to do what I 
      want.
5.  They don't play well with friends (i.e. PC vs  
      Mac).
6.  They get nervous and glitch all over the place.
7.  They sulk and go black or blue screen when 
      they get offended.
8.  They present too many options on how to fix 
     themselves when they're ill. 
9.  They eat too much electricity.
10.They might take over the world. SEE: I Robot,
      The Matrix Trilogy. 

@#%*& INSTRUCTIONS

Over the years I have had many frustrating experiences with the instruction manuals sent with toys, furniture, or some other product that required assembling. It seems like they are written by someone who has no concept of how to use the English language to communicate. I provide an example from a recent project I completed this week. It was our brand new swing set, now standing in our back yard after several nerve wracking days of following said instructions and trying to interpret their true meaning:


Insert the two A-Frame Poles (CBG) into the end of the Swing Bar (CBO) that does not have a nut insert in the locations shown. Make sure the dimples in the A-Frame Poles face out away from the Swing Bar.

 My response was, "HUH?"


This is the very first line of the owner's manual showing how to construct the play set and got me off to a great start. 

Oh, and by the way, the illustrations accompanying the instructions needed a magnifying glass just to be able to see them. As the project proceeded there were BZO, ATV, ASL, ARU, BZN, BZP, and BZU bolts; ARM, BTS and ABK nuts; AAF and ARL washers; ARO, BZM, BZJ, AOF, and CUX plastic plugs; ARV, ADW, and ADV screws; CBX panels, CJ and CCI brackets; ASM quick links; and many more items identified with cryptic lettering, all to be identified and used only as directed. There were procedural warnings galore making it seem as though using the wrong nut or bolt at the incorrect time would bring down the wrath of the play set gods upon my head or at least initiate the end of the known universe.

Only one thing saved my sanity. It was a bit of advice I received from my son who helped me on several occasions. He said, "No matter how carefully you read these instructions there will always be the inevitable mistake and you will have to undo something you have completed and do it over again. Don't get mad."

There was, I did and I didn't get angry--for the most part.

SWINGERS

You would think that purchasing a swing set for the grand kids to play on in the back yard would be an easy task: find a set, buy it, put it together, enjoy. 

Nope! We can't even get passed the first part. Too many decisions to make:

• Wood or Metal? 

•   Cheap or Expensive?

•  Simple A-frame or attached Club House or Monkey Bars or both? 

• If metal, what color?
• Where would it go in the yard?
• Which direction would it face?
• What about the over hanging telephone and power lines?

•   What kind of seats should the swing have-bucket or strap?

Not to mention:

• Who would put it together?
• Would the grand kids use it more than once?
• Do we really want to rip out the cloths line to make way for it?
• Is it too dangerous?

Isn't grand parenting wonderful?  No need to worry about the state of the economy or the plight of humanity, just keep your mind focused on the really important issues and keep those grand kids happy.

MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS

My last entry had Make Way For Ducklings by Robert McCloskey as one of my top ten favorite children's picture books. 

Early this week I went out to the front of my home to do a little extra watering on a patch of lawn my sprinkling system seems to ignore, I bent over and pulled on the hose which was wound up on a reel. The reel made about a half a revolution and a female duck came rushing out from under the apparatus and nearly scared the beejeebers out of me. 

Earlier in the week my wife had seen both a male and a female mallard duck out on our front lawn but we didn't think much about it. I looked to seewhy the duck would be under my hose reel and discovered eight eggs in a nest she had built. Sincethen she has settled back in and we are expecting ducklings in about 28 days.

Here is a picture of the duck just outside of her nest

NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF AN AIRPLANE!

Necessity is the mother of an airplane!
To prove this I give you the following line of logic: 

• If A = B and B = C then A = C
• If necessity (A) is (B) the mother of invention and
• An airplane  (C) is (B) an invention
• Then necessity is the mother of an airplane

The real question is, who is this father. 
 
 The Brazilians say it was Alberto Santos-Dumont and his 14-bis on October 23, 1906 in France.

But we in the US know it was one of the Wright Brothers on December 17, 1903 at Kitty Hawk with the Wright Flyer I.

I will concede that Santos-Dumont was the first person to get a heavier than air craft to fly by using wheels and an under carriage, and to get it to lift off the ground under its own power and not by the push of a catapult like the Wrights used. However, his plane was uncontrollable in the air and the Wrights invented the system of three axis control necessary to make controlled flight of heavier than air craft possible, and they did get their version of the manned flying machine into the air almost three years before Santos-Dumont.

There will always be disputes about who was first.
See the list at:
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_flying_machines

AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM

Children are a challenge. They can bring the greatest joy and the deepest sorrow. They also create laughter when you think back on some of the shenanigans they got up to while you weren't looking. Here are a few from my own memory bank.

• Filling the the gas tank of a car parked in front of a neighbor's house with dirt and rocks. Needless to say the driver didn't get very far before there were problems with their engine We had to pay for half the repair.

 

• Pulling up all of the newly planted strawberry plants in the garden to "help Daddy." It ended my career as a gardener.

• Painting the neighbor's house with honey and rotting fruit that had been left in their carport to "ripen."

 

• Shooting off bottle rockets in the back yard and causing a fire in the bushes and trees of the houses next door. Thank goodness the fire department was close by.

• Dumping an entire bottle of expensive after shave down the bathroom drain. I never did replace it.

• Drawing and writing on the bottom of anything they could crawl under: bunk beds, piano benches, end tables, etc. It furthered their artistic development.

 A friend pointed out that once his child dumped chocolate milk into their aquarium. I guess these kind of events are universal happenings when you have children and I haven't even scratched the surface of what grandchildren are capable of doing.

FAIRNESS IN POLITICS--SURELY YOU JEST.

In the 1973 novel The Princess Bride by William Goldman he has one of the characters say,"Life isn't fair, it is just fairer than death." I would like to paraphrase that quote like this, "Politics isn't fair, it is just fairer than death." 

Politics seems to bring out the best and worst in our national psyche. Candidates go for the jugular not with the intent to kill, but only to maim and cripple an opponent, to make him look ridiculous in the eyes of the electorate, or to discredit any of the accomplishments he or she might have realized. Fairness is not even contemplated when attacking the enemy. "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."


Just ask:

•  Thomas Jefferson who hated Alexander Hamilton, distrusted John Adams and detested Aaron Burr (Oops I guess Burr did kill one of his opponents, but with a bullet; not a knife to the jugular) who tried to steal the Presidency away from Jefferson in the Electoral College vote in 1801, or 
• John Adams who waged a bitter campaign against Thomas Jefferson in 1800 using federal Alien and Sedition laws to try to quiet the criticism of his opponent, or 
• Andrew Jackson who won the popular vote in 1824 but was robbed of the Presidency in 1825 by Henry Clay's corrupt bargain that gave John Quincey Adams the electoral vote; whose wife Rachel was vilified by the press in the subsequent successful 1828 election bid for the White House, which vilification may have contributed to her death, or 
• Abraham Lincoln who was lampooned as a gawky country bumpkin and a dictator, or 
• Theodore Roosevelt who turned against his one time friend and protege, William Howard Taft, and ran against him in 1912 thus splitting the Republican vote and allowing Woodrow Wilson to be elected, or 
• FDR whose enemies labeled him a socialist and a traitor to his social class, or 
• Harry Truman whom all the political pundits of the day in 1948 knew couldn't possibly be elected to a term as President in his own right, or 
• JFK who was too young and too Catholic, or
•  Richard Nixon who was too tricky (I believe that means dishonest), or
•  Jimmy Carter who was too Southern, or 
• George Bush (either one) who were painted as none to bright but rich and conservative, or
• Bill Clinton who was too slick, and now
• Barack Obama and his opponent Mitt Romney. 

Notice I haven't even touched upon any state and local elections. 


 James Madison said in Federalist Paper #10

A zeal for different opinions concerning religion, concerning government, and many other points, as well of speculation as of practice; an attachment to different leaders ambitiously contending for pre-eminence and power; or to persons of other descriptions whose fortunes have been interesting to the human passions, have, in turn, divided mankind into parties, inflamed them with mutual animosity, and rendered them much more disposed to vex and oppress each other than to co-operate for their common good.

Sounds like a pretty good description of the political campaign to me. To listen to the rhetoric of either party in the upcoming Presidential election neither candidate is honest, trustworthy, capable, or worthy to be President.

James Madison again said something profound in Federalist Paper #51

 If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself. A dependence on the people is, no doubt, the primary control on the government; but experience has taught mankind the necessity of auxiliary precautions.

Those auxiliary precautions we know as the Constitution of the United States and its 27 Amendments.


But let us not be confused in the middle of a bitter partisan political campaign with what is constitutionally correct and what is a violation of constitutionally guaranteed freedom and rights. The guarantees of the Constitution do not always seem to be adhered to during the heat of a political campaign. Remember politics is not fair, so an attack on:

• an opponent's spouse and family, 
• their religion, 
• their bank account, 
• their health,
• their education, 
• their honesty, 
• their lack of a pet, 
• their citizenship, 
• their judgement 
• or anything else that can be brought to bear in an effort to discredit in the public's mind their ability to govern is, though possibly an over zealous use of free speech and perilously close to a violation of the First Amendment rights of an opponent, are fairer than death.

Don't even look for fairness when two people want the same elected position. Don't expect an emphasis on issues over personality in the upcoming Presidential campaign. If the winner of the contest will be the candidate who seems to the electorate to be the lesser of two evils then be prepared to have both sides try make their opponent look like the right hand companion of the Devil.

AVOIDING MANHOLE COVERS

I have done a fair amount of driving during my almost fifty years behind the steering wheel of an automobile.  I have driven in Ireland, Guatemala, Brazil, Canada, as well as the USA.  I've been a passenger in England, Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Greece, Egypt, Lebanon, Israel, Mexico and Southern California. I have learned several life lessons from the experience.  I share a few of them:

•  Manhole covers are necessary to give work to people all over the world who like to climbed into them to do whatever it is they do down there.  However, I'm still trying to understand why they are placed in the road precisely where you must swerve to avoid them.  Most people don't try not to run over them and the results are: possible damage to the alignment of the car, bruised or broken tires, chattering teeth, bobble heading, back injuries, and unfavorable comments about your driving ability from passengers. It seems infinitely more logical to me that road builders should place utility manholes in the center of the road where few cars would ever run over them. This would reduce damage to both automobiles, their occupants and the manhole covers themselves.  I'm still investigating the possibility of a conspiracy between utility providers, road construction companies and automobile manufacturers.

•  Window glass makes it difficult to communicate your true feelings to other drivers. Horns and sign language are frequently used but cannot  convey the true depth of one's emotions. 

• Women see things faster than men and aren't afraid to let a male driver know when he has done, or is about to do something dumb. 

• People think they are invisible when they are inside their automobile, otherwise why would they sing out loud to the radio, CD or mp3 player or pick their noses in public?

• If you are approaching an exit on the freeway you desire to take, and/or there is someone traveling too slow in your lane, it is more desirable to pull out from behind said automobile, speed up to pass that vehicle and then cut sharply back in front of them than it is to just remain behind the car and take the exit when it arrives. By leap frogging the car you are then free to take the exit when it arrives two seconds later or just slow down to annoy the driver you just leapfrogged. 

•  Everyone else is a fault when they drive and they all (except me) need to go back for more driver's training.

• Texting and talking on cell phones when driving are constitutionally protected rights. Aren't they? Don't tell me it is dangerous. If you continue to argue about it I'll just text all my friends and tell them to block you.

•  The road belongs to me and everyone else should just get out of my way. 

OH, THE BURDENS WE BEAR

There are many frustrations facing us in this modern world. Practices that are simply annoying but defy any attempt to change them.  Procedures which have become so ingrained in the way we function that, even though we hate doing them, we seemed doomed to continue under their burden until something more onerous and aggravating comes along to take their place.  I make a short list: 

• Computerized answering services.

         "Press 1, or press 3, 
or press 7, or press 9, or possibly press 0. Oh you did all that twice? Well I'm sorry. All of the human beings who sometimes frequent our company are probably busy right now doing something, so stay on the line and listen to music you can't stand while we ignore you as long as possible in the hope you will get upset enough to hang up.  Call back later for even more frustration and just remember we appreciate your business."  

•  Insurance companies of multiple varieties.

        AUTO--"As a truly caring company, we want your money, so pay us on time or we will cancel your policy. Come to think of it we might just cancel your policy if you file any claim that would force us to live up to the agreement we made when you took out the policy. Be sure to understand that if we have to pay you or someone else because of what you did there is a high probability we will cancel your policy and if we don't cancel it we will surely raise your premium. After all we have to recoup the money we paid."
      HEALTH--"In order to be financially responsible as an insurance company, we won't insure you if you have a preexisting sickness. We don't want to pay out money for people who are too ill. It could be a drain on our profits. After all, we want money from healthy people who will live a long time and faithfully pay premiums without needing us to pay anything to keep them healthy. Should you need medicine just remember to get generic even though its quality can vary greatly from brand name medicine. You can still get the brand name but it will cost you considerably more. Don't even think about visiting a doctor we don't approve because it will cost you as much as 700% more for the visit.
    HOME--"Our company strongly suggests you don't read the fine print of your policy because you may then discover that we won't pay for damage caused by many hazards unless you buy a rider for them: floods, earthquakes, black mold, etc.  If you buy the riders and there is a subsequent claim we will most assuredly increase your premium to recoup our loss."
      LIFE--"The older you get the more your have to pay to keep your policy in force because there is a greater chance you will die. Then we would have to pay out our agreed upon amount. We want to put that off as long as possible don't we? We won't even take you on as a policy holder if you can't pass the health questions we ask in order to eliminate those who might die too early." 

• Congress, State Legislatures and local governing bodies that pass innumerable laws and statutes each year. (I won't talk about judicial fiats)

     We prize ourselves as a free country but in reality we have become the most legislated people in the world: Traffic laws, food and drug regulations, home construction and improvement regulations, educational mandates, health laws, banking and investment regulations, radio and TV regulation, federal, state and local income, outgo, property, death and if they could there would probably be resurrection taxes.

• Presidential elections that seem to go on forever. 

It never seems to end.  One primary election after another with complete disregard for states with small populations because you can win the presidency by garnering the electoral votes of 12 large populated states. (NY-29; Penn-20; FL-29; TX-38; CA-55; IL-20; OH-18;Mich-16; GE-16; NC-15, Vir-15. Total 271. That is one more than the 270 needed to win.)

     Why not have a four month process. No one could announce as a candidate or campaign before two months previous to the national primary election held by each party two months before the Constitutionally mandated presidential election in November. 

The winners of the national primary election could then campaign for two months and the popular vote in November, instead of the current electoral college vote in January, would determine the next President. It might lead to a proliferation of parties in the primary election but only those whose candidate managed to gain a pre-determined percentage of the total vote (say 30 percent) would be allowed to continue on in the campaign for the presidency. Imagine that. Everybody's vote would count and we wouldn't have a year and a half of accusation and innuendo, just four months.

This blog entry has also gone on for too long but you get the picture.

NEW PICTUREBOOK PUBLISHED

I have just published a e-Picture Book with Smashwords.

If you want to view a sample or purchase an e-copy go to the URL below:

 https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/142335

It will be available from Barnes and Noble, Sony, ITunes and Amazon at a later date.

POLITICS AS USUAL

Let me see if I have this figured out.

Obama can't be President because he didn't live up to everybody's expectations, the economy went sour and hasn't completely recovered, he had the audacity to ram healthcare through Congress, he didn't pull the troops out of everywhere fast enough and besides he is too much a liberal Democrat.
 

Romney can't be President because he flip flops on  issues, he is a businessman who became too rich because of his entrepreneurial skills, he doesn't relate well to the poor or the middle class, his party leaders don't want him and are looking for anybody who could possibly beat him, and besides there is that religious thing.


Santorum can't be President because he started too late, he is too young, too conservative, lost the Senate race in Pennsylvania, has supported and endorsed liberals in past elections, worked as a Washington DC lobbyist and is too enamored of the ultra conservative Tea Party.


Gingrich can't be President because he's too Southern and increasingly irrelevant.


Ron Paul can't be President because he is Ron Paul.


Where does that leave us? 

In deep trouble, but then when have we ever elected a President since George Washington that all Americans could support? 

Representative Democracy means "majority rule with minority rights."  Let's hope someone can forge a majority of support in the near future and still have concern for the rights of every American.